Descent Into Madness

My Problematic Addiction to Dairy

I can’t digest dairy properly. There, I said it, alright? Yes, now that I’ve been forced (by no one) to come clean about how my body processes dairy, the truth is that every time I ingest dairy, shortly thereafter, I get that feeling when all the blood rushes from every other part of your body to your stomach and your face breaks out in a cold sweat and you feel like you’re going to faint and shit your pants while you’re fainting. You know the feeling I’m referring to? If you don’t, I envy you. If you do, I can’t necessarily tell you you’re in good company, but you’re definitely in my company. Dairy just destroys me every time…but I can’t stop eating and drinking it.

It’s just too delicious. From string cheese to goat cheese, lattes to caramel macchiatos, butter to more butter – everything I like to eat and drink has goddamn dairy in it. In fact, I suspect it’s the dairy that makes it taste so good, which SUCKS.

My sister has been a vegan for almost a decade now, and she insists that going vegan cured her of all the stomach issues that used to ail her (also, that continuing to consume dairy products from animals is unethical, which, frankly, it is – but a post about the true ethics of eating and drinking animal products would be the opposite of funny, so here we are).

I’ve tried a life with only almond milk, and then one with only oat milk. Ok, yeah, so I didn’t spend 80% of my time doubled over in pain when I was only drinking these ersatz milks, but their consistency is too thin, and they don’t taste like the real deal. Also, when I was only drinking plant-based “milk,” my life lacked the excitement that comes with not knowing if I’m going to crap my pants in public every time I drink a Frappuccino – and I ask you, what the hell kind of a boring life is that?

Maybe a normal one, actually. Just not for me.

I'm a comedy writer born and raised in NYC.

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