Tag: Coronavirus

  • Camp Muddy Stream: Part 1/7

    I wrote the following story about my first time going to sleepaway camp (an absolutely horrible experience) when I was 24. I actually wrote 10 full-length comedy essays like this one back then, each about a different hilariously crummy experience I’d had in my life. They were part of a collection I referred to as […]

  • I’m Finally Going to Melt the Skin Off My Feet

    I finally bit the bullet and bought Baby Foot (actually, a Baby Foot knock-off), and I can’t freakin’ WAIT to use it. Here’s a link to the original Baby Foot. (Sidenote: now that I’m looking at the original product, I’m wondering why the fuck I bought an off-brand version of virtually the same product, but […]

  • I Think I Accidentally Bought Poison on Amazon

    Rubbing alcohol has always been one of my favorite household items. You can use it for most small sterilization tasks, like sterilizing your tweezers after a rousing session of what some might call ‘a bout of self mutilation’ but I would call ‘me time.’ I never knew just HOW important rubbing alcohol was to me […]

  • My X-Treme Dip Powder Nail Fail

    I’ve bitten my nails for as long as I can remember – literally my whole life. I’ve closely examined childhood photographs, and my nails were short and bitten down even then. I’ve tried everything to stop; that bitter-tasting nail polish that’s supposed to deter you from mindlessly gnawing on your hands? I developed a taste […]

  • GTFO This Elevator, Ma’am

    I’ve got a little problem on my hands, and I’m hoping one of you will be able to help me out with it. We live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan above 100th Street. Our building feels like a true community. That’s hard to find here in NYC, and we’re lucky to have it. […]

  • Not Cool Beans

    As the lockdown here in NYC stretches on and provisions grow thin, I’ve been thinking a lot about what matters most to me. No, it’s not family, or my health, or the fact that I live in a city where people play trumpets every night at 7pm to thank our front-line workers during this pandemic. […]

  • Things I’ve Bought Online During the COVID-19 Outbreak w/ Reviews: Part 2

    March 22nd, Amazon: Mild Cleansing Pleasant Scent Lotion Soap – 1 Gallon One would think that if a product says that it’s 1 gallon, it would be 1 gallon. 1 gallon seemed like a reasonable amount of soap to buy. This is the kind of moisturizing pink soap that you often find in the soap […]

  • Things I’ve Bought Online During the COVID-19 Outbreak w/ Reviews: Part 1

    The buying really started in earnest on March 10th, when I realized that if I didn’t buy enough toilet paper and paper towel to tide us over for the next few months, we’d run out too quickly and I would FULLY decompensate. March 10th, Amazon: Bounty Quick-Size Paper Towels, 16 family rolls Review: 5 stars, […]

  • Dispatches from the Apocalypse

    Hello from my claustrophobic, dark bedroom here on the UWS of Manhattan during the COVID-19 lockdown! I normally enjoy the cave-like atmosphere of our room; owing to a lack of decorative taste or initiative on my end, as well as my propensity for hoarding garbage, it keeps me on my toes knowing I might trip […]