Covid-19 in NYC,  Descent Into Madness,  Online Shopping & Reviews

Things I’ve Bought Online During the COVID-19 Outbreak w/ Reviews: Part 2

March 22nd, Amazon: Mild Cleansing Pleasant Scent Lotion Soap – 1 Gallon

One would think that if a product says that it’s 1 gallon, it would be 1 gallon. 1 gallon seemed like a reasonable amount of soap to buy. This is the kind of moisturizing pink soap that you often find in the soap dispensers at hospitals or doctors’ offices. Functional soap that you can buy in bulk, which I figured would be useful.

Well, I sure as fuck did buy in bulk, because when this soap arrived, it wasn’t 1 gallon – it was 4 GALLONS OF SOAP. To put gallons into perspective using your average American unit of liquid measurement, ounces, 4 gallons of soap is equivalent to 512 US FLUID OUNCES OF PINK MOISTURIZING HOSPITAL SOAP. That’s 40.96 normal-sized Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day hand soap bottles! IT’S SSSSOOOO MUCH SOAP. In a NYC apartment. My closet space is limited, for crying out loud!!! I don’t have room for enough soap to run a Chipotle for a week!

So I panicked. I didn’t want the 4 gallons of pink soap – in their industrial, handled jugs – to be sitting in my front hall for the indefinite future. So in a fit of I don’t know what kind of thinking, I decided that I would store the soap by filling up a huge vase I own that looks like seaglass with the soap, and then I’d cover it with saran wrap and store it in my closet.

Well, the vase managed to accommodate about one half of one of the four jugs before it was completely full to the top. So now I have a vase FULL of soap in my linen closet, just waiting to be accidentally dropped or knocked over one day…and 4 jugs of moisturizing pink soap sitting in my front hall for the indefinite future.

The soap works well, though – so 5 out of 5 stars to the soap, for making me feel like Rihanna, if Rihanna’s ultimate dream was to have copious amounts of dental office hand soap in an old Fresh Direct bag in her front hall.

I'm a comedy writer born and raised in NYC.


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