Covid-19 in NYC,  Descent Into Madness,  Online Shopping & Reviews

Things I’ve Bought Online During the COVID-19 Outbreak w/ Reviews: Part 1

The buying really started in earnest on March 10th, when I realized that if I didn’t buy enough toilet paper and paper towel to tide us over for the next few months, we’d run out too quickly and I would FULLY decompensate.

March 10th, Amazon: Bounty Quick-Size Paper Towels, 16 family rolls

Review: 5 stars, amazing, made me feel like the world was my oyster and I’d never have to go without paper towel again. The absorbency! It never seemed so delightfully absorbent before! I love Bounty and am comforted that I was able to secure a jumbo box of “my brand.” Thanks a lot, brand loyalty/consumer psychology.

Also March 10th, Amazon: Charmin Ultra-Soft Toilet Paper, 48 rolls

Review: Can I give a product 10 stars out of 5? You know, up until I got this megabox of 48 rolls of Charmin in the mail (in a marked box – that’s what’s up, neighbors! Welcome to IBS town, population me!), I *thought* the best presents I’d ever received were my childhood dog on my 7th birthday and my engagement ring on my 28th birthday. Nope, I was wrong. The best gift I ever got was this box, which was full of enough toilet paper that we’d be able to each deuce 5 times a day and not worry about running out of provisions for months. (I mean, yes, obviously TMI, but these are the times we’re living in. Also, I should probably cool it on the dairy and take my anti-anxiety meds more regularly). Anyway, moving swiftly along…

March 15th, Amazon: Nika’s Home Vanilla Bean 12oz Mason Soy Candle

Review: 2 stars out of 5. This smelled a little barfy, to be honest, but I desperately needed the comfort of a candle that smelled like cake to burn during my daily meditation ritual of picking my face until it bleeds (some people do yoga, some go to town with needle-nosed tweezers. Don’t hate). It’s not often I don’t finish a candle, but this one smelled so sickly sweet that it made me wonder if I was getting sick with Coronavirus because I felt so nauseated, so I stopped using it. That was totally worth $12 as we head into a once (thrice) in a century economic depression!

March 22nd, Amazon: SKI Innovations Paw Boss Wash for Dogs

Ok, yeah, this was a crazy person purchase – but as I mentioned in my first post, the current bane of my existence is having to wash the dog’s damn feet. This little device touted itself as a one-step solution that allowed you to fill the reservoir with clean soapy water and not have to keep running back and forth to the sink for clean water in between each paw. You’re supposed to strategically tilt it in different directions, and somehow the dirty water goes away into one channel and clean soapy water comes out back into the paw washing cup. Anyway, I probably should have gently introduced Jack to the device instead of ambushing him with it after our walk, but let’s just say the experience resembled a bout of catfish noodling, and we haven’t used it since. Again, really super happy that I can’t return any of this stuff, but I’ll cut my losses before I venture to our funky ass local post office, which looks like the waiting room from Beetlejuice on a GOOD day. This crummy little device gets 2 stars from me, because if I had dedicated any time to training Jack, maybe it would have been more successful.

March 22nd, Amazon: Mack’s Original Soft Foam Earplugs, 50 pairs, 32db

I pathologically cannot fall asleep without earplugs during times of peace and happiness. Sound agitates me and puts me in a very aggravated state of mind, so earplugs are a godsend for me. These are the only ones I will buy. Basically, I need earplugs strong enough that they’d enable me to sleep through my house being burgled (related: that’s a fear of mine every time I put my earplugs in – kind of a Catch-22 there). I had run out of earplugs and was growing increasingly tired of the sound of the incessant sirens that are now the only sounds I can hear outside, as well as the sounds of my husband and dog breathing, talking, or moving. Thanks, Mack’s Original Soft Foam Earplugs, for saving me from catching a charge and getting taken to Central Booking due to auditory agitation. 30 stars out of 5.

March 22nd, Amazon: Cornucopia Brands Timed Water Bottles 32-oz Combo Pack with Motivational Time Marker Tracker

I figured that our average daily household consumption of approximately 12 ounces of water between the two of us wasn’t going to hack it during this whole ordeal, so I found these water bottles, which conveniently came in a pack of two. They have lines on the side that show different times of day, and it’s basically based on the idea that you have goals to hit for water consumption based on hourly intake, so you just need to drink two of these bottles of water per day to hit 64 oz. It’s actually been tremendously helpful for me during this lock-down; plus, my bottle is a beautiful candy-apple red, which is one of my favorite colors. Only downside is that the font on the side of the bottles is Comic Sans. Who okay’d that? Of all the fonts! Still, 4 stars out of 5 for this purchase.

I'm a comedy writer born and raised in NYC.

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